Everything I Needed to Learn at 2am, I Learned From my FaceBook Feed
As I lie awake in the wee hours, which admittedly is a little too frequently, I’ll often find myself succumbing to the lure of the Facebook feed – irritated by the fact that I can’t fall asleep, but stuck with my face in an LED screen. It is at these times I typically decide to catch up with the day’s news, see all the fun that everyone is having without me, and take every quiz on my feed (but not share the results on FB, because that would just be weird…) as opposed to say, turning off my phone and going to sleep. You also learn a lot, not just about yourself, but about the world in general.
And when you look at it that way, it’s pretty apparent that I shouldn’t be missing the baby animal videos and new kitchen hacks that populate my news feed overnight.
So in all 2am seriousness, or 10:34pm seriousness as I sit writing this – here is the list of never-before-publicized and/or relevant and/or necessary, things you can learn on Facebook at 2am. In case you were wondering.
1. Your friends had more fun that you did today. And their kids are definitely smarter. And more well-adjusted. Basically, make a note to call your kid’s therapist first thing in the morning.
2. OMG, could cats be any funnier? Seriously, if I had a dime for every time a hilarious cat came pouncing out of nowhere, misjudged a jump off a table, or hit his owner’s hand away from the keyboard. LOL. OL. OL.
3. While your cat is certainly not the funniest, or the most charming, his needle-like claws are certainly the most painful as they scale your leg while you’re writing a blog about 2am Facebook feeds.
4. You may or may not have a plethora of as-yet-to-be-determined diseases. Come to think of it, I may have learned that from the WebMD app, as opposed to it appearing on my FB feed. Things get a little fuzzy at 2am.
5. There is a future Pinterest Fail awaiting you, and it’s in the making somewhere in the world right now.
6. There are at least 10 fail-safe ways to save a relationship/get a divorce/raise your kids/judge someone else’s life choices/see all of Europe for $10.
7. You really should buy those shoes from Nordstrom you were eyeballing a week ago, because Facebook knows you were eyeballing them, and is going to keep reminding you how fabulous they are until you buy them. Really, at 2am you can’t live without them. And by the way, your wallet’s upstairs.
8. If you run out to the grocery store right this second, you may still have time to figure out that new breakfast “hack” for your morning oatmeal/bacon/rack of lamb. Side note: the 2am crowd may be slightly different than the noon crowd.
9. Writers like to use the word “hack” a lot.
10. Your current diet is total crap. You really need to look into a juice cleanse/meat cleanse/colonoscopy.
11. You should probably go to bed at some point in the near future, because unless you head over to YouTube, you’re really starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel for funny cat videos. This is also when it’s helpful to remind yourself that you don’t necessarily enjoy funny animal videos.
So to summarize: Call therapist, remove cat’s claws from leg, never, ever open the WebMD app again, buy the shoes, AND groceries, and for God’s sake, stop using the word, “hack.”
Oh, and there was something about a colonoscopy in there, but you can just close your eyes and pretend you never saw that.
After all, you’re tired.